Monday, September 21, 2015

The tale of the fart pants- and how I cleared out a K mart!

  Back in 2003 the wife and I were up at her mom's for the  Thanksgiving holiday.  This was the pre child era, where we could just go and do stuff like eat and shop on a Saturday afternoon.

We decided on Mexican, a place called Little Mexico in a local strip mall. The food's always good there. I am pretty sure I had the Guadalajara Cheese Steak.

Off we went to do some Christmas shopping. We went to the local K mart after finishing the meal and squaring up with the server. 

While in an aisle that had the glass case for the video games, I felt a stirring down below...I was getting rather uncomfortable! She just kept on talking about something and I was TRYING to act interested and all the while deal with the gurgling, churning pressure that was building and expanding....FINALLY my sweet lady said she was going to pop over an aisle to look at something there...

This was my cue! I quickly went all the way down to the OTHER end of the aisle we were on, and let my flatulence go.....oh it felt sooooo much better! I then saw my sweetie coming back over and HEADING RIGHT FOR ME!!!

Oh no.... we had not been married nearly long enough for me to subject her to this.  I quickly moved to make the interception.. she started to tell me what she had found when suddenly, her expression turned horribly sour!    NOT MY WIFE BELOW!!

She said "you!.....NASTY!!"   And I was trying to explain how I went clear down to the other end of the aisle to do this....but the voluminous folds of my loose fitting Ralph Lauren jeans (which by the way SHE bought me so there it's her fault!)  held warm pockets of the "fragrance" so rather than just being discharged at the other end of the aisle, I was sort of letting little puffs of poo air out with each stride.

Just then a group of teens popped in from another aisle to look at gaming systems..that did not last long! One of the teen boys said "Oh my GOD it stinks here!!" and they cleared which point I busted out laughing which of course made me blow out what ever gas I had left in me. I was laughing so hard I could not tell if the tears coming from my eyes were from the laughter or the gas!

Eventually, I caught up with my poor suffering spouse over by the check out, where even she had to admit it was pretty funny driving a gaggle of teens away from the game display.

From that day forward, those jeans became known as my "fart pants"  until they were retired from the "nice" drawer to the "work around the yard" drawer and eventually were so holed and thread bare they were discarded a couple years back. 

Years later, K mart closed that store down. I will always wonder if it was because of me!